Moving to Canada? Be Careful What You Wish For

I read The New York Times every day but that doesn’t make me a left-winger, and the bulk of this blog is dedicated to skewering die-hard partisans on both sides of the political aisle. But it was tough not to laugh at the people who are emigrating to Canada because they claim President Bush is destroying this country and making it impossible for them to stay here.

Before the election was decided, Hollywood types from George Clooney and Barbara Streisand to Cher and Rob Reiner declared that if Bush were re-elected, they were all moving to Canada. Of course, these phonies have reconsidered their decision and we can now only dream of a country without George Clooney. We’re so fortunate to still have millionaire celebrities like Cher who can share her well-thought-out political views with us.

I’ve got news for anyone seriously considering a move to Canada: Canadians are still lining up by the thousands to emigrate here. While Alec Baldwin decided not to deprive us of his company, Jim Carrey, Paul Shaffer, Peter Jennings, Mike Myers, Celine Dion and a slew of others figured out that America might be a slightly better place to succeed no matter who is in the White House.

Alec may also have flinched at that tax bracket he would have entered. An average person not even close to his income loses at least 50% of their income to Canadian taxes each year. And that’s Canadian dollars.

You hear a lot about cheap Canadian drugs. What you don’t hear about the Canadian health care system is how recipients of the free, publicly funded system can wait weeks or months for consultations when they have chest pains or other “minor” problems. Many of these Canadians have found a way around this – they come to America for prompt treatment.

Here’s a personal story. Last year my doctor ordered me to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. When I met the surgeon I asked if they could give me drugs instead of surgery at 3 a.m. He rolled his eyes and said, “Well Dave, if we were in Canada and my job was to keep medical costs down I would give you drugs. And they might even work for a few days or weeks. But you know what? Appendixes are funny things and when they swell as big as yours is right now, they tend to cause trouble. And my job as a U.S.-based doctor is to get you better.” Thank you, Dr. Republican (and my HMO that picked up the tab).

Back to the potential Canadian émigrés. The main reason they’re moving is because they don’t like what George Bush says. Wait until they see the free speech laws in Canada – better yet, the complete lack of a Canadian First Amendment. Howard Stern was on in Canada a few years ago, but three people wrote the government to say they were offended so he was taken off the air. Here’s a Canadian definition of defamation of character, courtesy of the Media Libel web site: “A defamatory statement exists if the publication tends to lower the plaintiff’s reputation in the estimation of those who are commonly referred to as ‘right thinking’ members of society.” You can say whatever you want about me or the president on this side of the border, but we can’t sue you or throw you in jail if we don’t like it.

Are you a sports fan? Then forget about following baseball unless you love the Blue Jays. Montreal was so uninterested in and unsupportive of the Expos that they fled to Washington. The Vancouver Grizzlies of the NBA also fled south due to complete disinterest from Canada and after every player demanded a trade when they saw how much tax was taken out of their paycheck. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of hockey! Oh, wait a second….

Now Canada does have its merits. If you’re in love with frigid temperatures and find Minneapolis too balmy, Canada’s Arctic blasts and eight-month winters are right up your ally. Most of the Canadian beer I’ve had is pretty good, although you can get Moosehead and Molson right here in the U.S. Caribou lovers will be in heaven. And most Canadians I’ve met have been extremely friendly people. All of them moved from Canada to the U.S., but we’ve already covered that.

All kidding aside, it does bother me when people want to leave this country because they equate Republicans with fascists and call George Bush a Nazi. The Nazis murdered many of my relatives who I never got to meet and I have talked with dozens of Holocaust survivors about their experiences over the years. I urge anyone who thinks this country is moving too far to the right to meet with these people, or any recent immigrants from places like Iraq, Cuba or even someone who lived in Eastern Europe before 1989. They will learn what it’s like to really live under fascism, and will appreciate the freedoms they may be taking for granted.

But don’t leave the country just because you don’t like the President. It’s not quite the same as leaving your job if you don’t like your boss. And did I mention all the people that speak French up there…

(Thanks to Alex Beam, who gave me the idea and some info for this rant.)