Some Free Advice for Gay Marriage Advocates

I live in Massachusetts, the only state where people of the same sex can legally wed. The issue was decided by the courts, not the people, and after the initial surprise most people here honestly couldn’t care less about the issue. I opined about this in one of my first blog entries and my views haven’t changed. If you’re a man and want to marry another man, have a blast. Same for the ladies.

But most people around the country don’t feel the same way. They believe marriage should be between a man and a woman. The issue mobilized religious partisans from black churches to fundamentalist Baptists, and they were joined by plenty of other, mainly older, people who were more open-minded and not even homophobic, but didn’t feel comfortable about the whole idea. The Republicans pounced on it in 2004, and it was one of several issues that led them to victory that year.

If you look at the state-by-state vote tally (about halfway down the page) you’ll see that when put to a popular vote, gay marriage didn’t even come close to a victory in any state, even the states that Kerry won, like Michigan and Oregon. Moreover, virtually all Democrats, including Kerry and both Clintons, have rejected the idea. Clearly, most Americans are not ready for gay marriage.

So if you’re a gay marriage advocate, what do you do? I think the problem is that they’re trying to hit a home run when they can win the game with base hits. They’re overreaching their goals and overestimating what the public accepts. That’s not fair, but that’s the way it is, and they need to play the game better.

If you look back at the top of the Wikipedia page, which I hope is accurate, you’ll notice that many legislatures or courts have permitted the “civil union” compromise to proceed. This is marriage in all but name, with more legal and estate rights than most common-law marriages, although it varies a bit with each state. Polls have also consistently shown that voters are more tolerant of civil unions than the marriage proposal.

So my advice would be to step back and stop with the “M” word. Try civil unions first, preferably through the legislature or courts instead of the ballot box. Then a few years later after everyone has settled down and understand their marriages haven’t changed, then you try the marriage route. But only if the civil unions are in place and established first, because then you have your fallback option.

Some people may read this and think that civil unions are not enough – they want to be just as happily married as Elizabeth Taylor and Larry King are. And don't forget that meeting of the minds with Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. That’s understandable, but as an old geezer once said, you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need. When you’re rolling out a radical new concept, caution and patience are sometimes the way you pull things off. Things like integration and third world independence didn’t happen overnight either, but they were also done slowly and through the courts or governments instead of the popular vote.

The best advice I ever heard about negotiating came from Ronald Reagan. Reagan said if you’re negotiating and the other side makes an offer that gives you at least 51% of what you want, take the deal. Then, six months later or whenever the time is right, go back to the other side, show them the results to prove how right you were, and you’ll get the other 49%. Civil unions offer quite a bit of what gay marriage advocates want. Take the deal, and come back to the table later.