My Nomination to Fix Detroit

It is very, very difficult for any of us to feel sorry for the U.S. auto industry. For years we have watched these once-mighty titans get their behinds kicked by foreign automakers, who have run rings around them in innovation, fuel efficiency, worker relations and cars that are just better and more fun to drive. And while Detroit comes to Congress with its hat in hand, foreign automakers are doing just fine, insourcing thousands of jobs to America and opening new plants. Toyota is opening a new plant to meet the huge demand for Priuses down in Mississippi while GM is still scrambling to get the cost of batteries in its still-nascent Volt down to the level that Toyota already has.

Much has been made of the Big Three’s ride on corporate jets to Washington and having no concrete plan for what to do with the bailout money. Not quite as much has been made about the ridiculous contracts the UAW extracts for its workers that helps bleed these companies. It took ample PR embarrassment for the unions to finally drop the JOBS bank, which literally paid downsized workers the bulk of their wages while they did no work for years. Imagine how much better these companies would be if these executive and union perks were cut years ago.

Many are trying to place the blame on either the executives or the unions. Like the financial services industry or the Iraq war, failure this massive cannot be drilled down to a single issue but rather spread out among collective idiocy. Even if the Big Three’s compensation and benefits were in line with foreign automakers, can anyone at GM tell me the difference between Buicks and Pontiacs? Why keep both of these lines of business? And a special dummy prize must be shared among the longtime Congressmen and Senators from Michigan, many of whom fought tooth and nail against raising fuel standards, giving incentives to hybrid cars and doing anything possible to shield Detroit from the smarter foreign competition that was eating its lunch. I fully understand why they were trying to protect the businesses and constituents in their state and districts, but part of being a Congressman requires tough love and explaining to these companies why some of these mileage and environmental rules would make them more competitive. And let’s not forget all those consumers who kept giving the junkie drugs by buying SUVs and minivans they clearly didn’t need.

So should Detroit get its bailout money? I am honestly on the fence about this. Bad behavior should never be rewarded, and all of these executives, union chiefs and congressmen like John Dingell, Dale Kildee, John Conyers and Senator Carl Levin should all resign for collectively helping to destroy the auto industry. But just as the financial services industry could not be allowed to implode, the auto industry is in a similar position. Our economy is far too fragile at this stage, and if even one of the Big Three went bankrupt or disappeared the ripple effects would make the recession far worse than it already is.

There’s widespread agreement that an “auto czar” should be in charge of the industry. But who? Some have recommended Steve Jobs. I have two ideas. The first is Lee Iacocca, a man who’s been though this before and could be the right one for the job.

Now here’s my other idea: James Spears, Britney Spears’ father. Say what? Here’s where I’m going. A year ago Britney was out of control – wasted on drugs, flashing strangers in public, spending truckloads of money on crap and hanging out with undesirables who catered to her every whim. Then her father stepped in and now she’s on a tight allowance, has kept her clothes on, is only with people who can help her out and has her career back on track.

OK, maybe not. But that’s the discipline Detroit needs to end its self-destruction. If your kids wreck your car, you don’t just give them a blank check and tell them to buy whatever car they want. Let’s hope Congress doesn’t do the same.

More Info: Mitt Romney was for the auto bailout before he was against it.